Tuesday 1 February 2011

How do I add my own stuff to the police.uk crime map, ask criminals


Criminals across the country have asked how they go about adding their own crimes to the new police.uk crime map, after noticing it only includes incidents that people could be bothered to report to the police.

The new site allows you to see how much crime there is within a stone’s throw of where you sleep at night, and provides a helpful percentage figure for your chances of seeing out the year unharmed.

However, many tech-savvy criminals have slated the new site, insisting it is limited in functionality, and fails to adopt the new mantra of ‘user-generated content’ seen on the world’s most successful websites.

Shane Connolly, 28, told us, “This is the age of web 2.0, geo-tagging and user-generated content, which I’m happy to provide, if only they’d let me add my stuff to the bloody map.”

“What’s the point of successfully robbing someone and then intimidating them to such an extent that they won’t report it to the police, if it then appears like there’s nothing going on in my manor?”

“It looks like I’m not even trying. Everyone keeps ringing me saying my estate is ‘safe’, and not in the cool way. It’s embarrassing.”

Police.uk crime map

Enterprising criminals have launched a new service at crime-ranker.com which uses the crime map to rank the performance of criminals across the country.

The new service told us that because the police map only shows figures for the last month, criminals will have their work cut out trying to maintain their positions near the top of the crime charts.

A spokesperson said, “We’re planning integration with 4square so people can check in at various crime sites – this is not a confession, more a nod to those who know how to use the site properly – rather than those using it to keep themselves awake at night or to check the effect on their property price.”

Crime-ranker.com is proving popular, as one career criminal told us, “I can’t rest on my laurels just because I had a bumper burglary Christmas – it’s February now, and I’ve got to start from scratch all over again.  That site is a great motivational tool, let me tell you.”

Some criminals also feel the new police website has so far proven an excellent resource for identifying new target areas.

One told us in confidence, “There’s this place in Surrey right, no crime for nearly a mile in any direction – I guarantee half those places don’t have alarms, why would they?”

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