Tuesday 1 February 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Chelsea sign Torres after wife passes exhaustive John Terry medical


Chelsea have completed the signing of Liverpool striker Fernando Torres in a £50 million deal after the Spanish hitman’s wife Olalla passed a rigourous physical examination conducted by his new club captain John Terry.

The transfer was sealed late last night after Terry had approved the new addition, having been given the kind of unlimited access to the World Cup winners betrothed that he has been recently offering to any Premier League marksman able to run faster than he can walk.

Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck confirmed that Torres was more than willing to break the one unbroken promise left available to him by agreeing to forsake not just his marriage vows but his wife’s sanctity, in order to conclude the deal before the transfer window closed.

He told reporters, “Throughout this process Fernando has displayed a real willingness to sacrifice the feelings of those closest to him, those to whom he had sworn his most sincere commitment and allegiance on an ongoing basis.”

“No, not to the Liverpool fans, I mean to his wife, who had recently signed him to a life-long deal, only for him to submit her to an evening playing in the one position left to Terry that he can perform consistently well in.”

Fernando Torres Chelsea Medical

The medical at the club’s training ground boudoir is said to have gone smoothly, with club insiders insisting it was only ever a formality as Torres’ wife is incredibly fit, and Terry has always had a soft sport about foreigners.

Buck went on to highlight how he felt it was this kind of selfless gesture from Torres that made him an ideal signing for the London club.

“It is this kind of virtue-free behaviour that immediately singled him out as a player who would quickly settle into a Chelsea team that believes moral fibre to be some sort of breakfast cereal.”

Buck went on to confirm that Chelsea might once again spend big in the summer, saying Terry has his eye on one or two new signings.

“He really likes the look of that brunette from The Saturdays, so don’t be surprised to see us make another move for Wayne Bridge.”

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