Monday 31 January 2011

Sportsman wins right to ongoing sex-life speculation by millions


A high-profile sportsman seeking to prevent details of his private life being revealed by a newspaper has won the right to idle speculation by millions of sports fans who seem pretty sure they know who he is and what he did.

The sportsman is alleged to have had a ‘sexual encounter’ with someone, despite having a long-term partner, narrowing their possible identity to anyone who has played professional football in the last ten years.

Football fan Shane Morris told us, “Oh come on. Sexual encounter? Long-term partner? I think we all know who that is.  I’ll send you the text I got – my mate Dave is always pretty good with this stuff, his hit rate is almost 5%.”

“I think your reaction will probably be the same as mine, ‘No way!’ followed by ‘that makes sense I suppose’, and finally ‘it’s not surprising when they earn way as much money as they do these days’.”

Super injunction

With super injunctions becoming the norm for misbehaving multi-millionaires, fans have welcomed the opportunity to drag out the level of interest in the story beyond the standard few days of crap jokes and terrace chants.

England fan Martin Williams told us, “I do like a bit of intrigue, and I’ve already had eleven names texted to me this morning, with various alleged sordid activities.”

“It’s a bit like a game filthy Cluedo – ‘the centre forward in the hotel with the prostitute’, ‘the midfielder in the car with the team-mates wife’, ‘or the defender in the cupboard with the citrus fruit’.  They’re all equally depraved I supposed.”

“Personally, I’m hoping it’s the winger, in the Tesco car park, with the cast of that thing off the telly.”

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