Thursday 27 January 2011 by Matt Taylor

Lazy speed cameras to be ‘forced back to work’, claims government


Prime Minister David Cameron today announced an immediate crackdown on Britain’s thousands of out of work speed cameras, branding them ‘lazy anti-social scroungers.’

Recent figures from the Office of National Statistics revealed that 47% of the nation’s speed cams are now out of work, preferring to spend their days drinking Thunderbird and watching episodes of Britain’s Worst Driver on Dave.

Mr Cameron said, “My government will get every single UK camera back to work within 3 months and I’m starting by cutting all benefits to these sponging scumbags.”

“In these difficult times everyone must help cut the deficit, and that includes cynical automatic money-making devices.”

“From today every speed camera will record and fine all moving vehicles on the roads. Drivers will pay £1,000 when first caught and fines will double for every subsequent offence.”

Speed cameras out of service

Speed cam support groups are worried that drastic benefit cuts will see unemployed cameras begin roadside begging and trying to hitch lifts to Scotland.

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond said, “They’re probably just coming for free prescriptions and no tuition fees but I can tell you now that those yellow-headed bastards aren’t welcome here.”

Mr Salmond later denied accusations that his comments were racist saying, “This is absolutely untrue. Some of my best friends are yellow – The Simpsons for example. I love them. Homer’s just like me.”

Road safety campaigners suggested that drivers could easily defeat the national conspiracy of speed cams by ‘just driving within the speed limits’ but this was immediately dismissed as ‘simplistic nonsense’ by the RAC.

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