Tuesday 25 January 2011

Osborne returns to brightly coloured abacus


As GDP figures showed the UK economy shrank by 0.5% in the final three months of 2010, Chancellor George Osborne has returned to his cartoon themed abacus and begun staring at it quizzically.

Early indications suggest that the excuse du jour for a decline in output will be ‘snow’, and not falling consumer confidence caused the vast swathes of spending cuts implemented by the coalition.

A Treasury spokesperson said, “Look, you lot got to use the snow as an excuse in the run up to Christmas, and now we get our turn to blame a shocking workplace performance on a little frozen precipitation.”

“Yes, that’s what we’re going with.  We’re on the verge of a double-dip recession because of the snow.”

UK Economy shrinks by 0.5%

Economists suggest this might finally be the point at which people realise that ‘cutting the deficit’ is not the same exact thing as ‘reducing public spending’.

A leading analyst told us, “Cutting spending is one recognised way of paying back what you owe, but so is investing that money so you have more money to pay back in the long run.”

“I’d really hate for people to buy into this ‘we had no choice’ bullshit we’re going to hear from the coalition in the coming days.”

As Osborne spends the morning at 11 Downing street moving Disney characters backwards and forwards on a counting frame whilst trying to figure out where it all went wrong, normal people are finally realising exactly what they did by putting them in power.

Former public servant Jean Matthews said, “I bet they’re gutted Andy Coulson is on his way out, as it’s going to take a master of spin to make this look like anything other than a monumental fuck-up.”

“Sure, people will point to George Osborne’s damaging economic policies, but it seems clear to me that the worst thing he has done is push us to the brink of proving Gordon Brown right.”

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