Friday 21 January 2011

Andy Coulson seeking new opportunities to make bastards sound like your friend


Andy Coulson has resigned from his position as the prime minister’s communications chief, claiming he is looking for new pastures in which to apply his special brand of spin in making utter shits appear to be your friend.

Coulson’s absence from 10 Downing Street is already generating concern at Tory HQ, with many party officials worried about their ongoing ability to make the continued shafting of poor people sound ‘fair’.

A Tory HQ insider told us, “This is terrible news, Andy has that special gift of making it sound like we could give the slightest toss about the well-being of poor people.”

“Without his guidance, everyone is now absolutely terrified that they’re going to accidentally say something honest.”

“We’re sort of avoiding saying anything to anyone at the moment. Oh Christ, I shouldn’t even be saying this to you. Did I say ‘fair’, it’s all ‘fair.  Everything is always ‘fair’.”

Andy Coulson resignation

It is expected that Andy Coulson will not be short of suitors in his search for a new role, with any number of unpleasant bastards keen to see more generous coverage of themselves in the press.

Recruitment consultant Sam Davis told us, “Don’t forget that this is a man who convinced readers of the News Of The World that they were intent on finding out the truth of any story in the public eye.”

“He also made George Osborne appear like he actually knows what a poor person is.”

“That takes a special person, with incredible talent.  Or an incredibly gullible audience – though to be honest I think he has benefited from both.”

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