Wednesday 19 January 2011 by Gary Stanton

It’s nutritious if you’re in an advanced hypoglycemic coma, claim Coca-Cola


Coca Cola have been forced to withdraw the word ‘nutritious’ from their Vitamin Water product after a court agreed it could only be considered nutritious by the small percentage of the population currently suffering dangerously low blood sugar.

The drink, which contains 30g sugar – approximately the same as a builder’s cup of tea – had claimed to be both delicious and nutritious.

However, the Advertising Standards Authority in conjunction with people who have the merest grasp of the word nutrition worked long into the night before hammering out a final acceptable definition of the word.

Countdown regular, Susie Dent, advised the ASA that the word nutritious traditionally applies to something that is considered to provide added dietary benefit to people in a reasonable state of health, rather than an emergency resuscitation measure for those with a barely detectable pulse and upturned eyeballs.

Coca-Cola Vitamin Water

The issue was initially raised after three morons bought the drink after seeing the word “nutritious” on a poster, and reached the ridiculous conclusion that an advert from a drinks company would be an accurate representation of the facts.

Coca-Cola hit back today insisting that the product contains vital reserves of Vitamin C and niacin and that it provided “life-enhancement opportunities” for people who are too fat or lazy to peel an orange.

The company is steadfastly refusing to reduce to sugar content of its product for fear of alienating its core customer base of hyperactive children and the clinically obese.

A spokesperson for the drinks manufacturer said, “Coke has a proud history of serving the needs of people who think being on a diet means choosing a different fizzy drink, and we’re not about to throw that away now.”

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