Thursday 13 January 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Taxable shelf-life of British populace extended indefinitely


The taxable shelf-life of people who would otherwise be placing a burden on the exchequer has been extended to ensure they are contributing to the state up until they draw their very last breath, the government has confirmed.

The Default Retirement Age (DRA) is to be phased out this year meaning people over the age of 65 will be manipulated into extending their careers with a severe decrease in government support once reaching what used to be the retirement age.

A spokesperson said, “People will say we’re unfairly targeting the people who expected to be putting their blanket covered feet up after 45 years of hard work, but we would say, ‘who cares? They’re old’.”

The Department for Business insisted that as well as benefiting the 0.001% of the country that actually enjoys their job, it would also provide a boost to an ailing economy currently undergoing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Default Retirement Age to end

Employment Relations Minister Edward Davey told reporters this was only the first step in milking the lactating corpse of the British public.

“This is a sensible move in the eyes of all those who feel an urgent sense of national responsibility, and who hate the idea of funding increasingly old people.”

“We must all share the burden for the gargantuan mistakes of the precious few by sacrificing the small part of our lives that we had previously scheduled for stinking out an  armchair from the 35th floor of a tower block that we are too scared to leave.”

The Minister went on to suggest those who were previously planning to retire at 65 need to get some perspective.

“Every knows someone who died within a whisker of their quitting as soon as they gave up doing the job they loved.”

“So until we can find a way of effectively taxing dead people on ongoing bases, this is the best way we can think of to keep them alive and taxable.”

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