Thursday 13 January 2011 by Spacey

School league table leaders to form breakaway elite super league


The schools that have featured amongst the top performers in yesterday’s published league tables have announced that they are looking to set-up a breakaway super league to ensure they don’t need to take the children of people like you.

The tables show how many pupils in a school would achieve good GCSE grades in what the government says are ‘vital core subjects like English’ and not those ‘crappy ones that don’t mean anything like Drama’.

The top performers in the GCSE league are planning to form the new Elite Super League with those at the top of the English Baccalaureate League (EBL) forming its initial membership.

As spokesperson explained, “The EBL is the way forward for modern education.  Let’s focus on the product, maximise the financial benefits for all concerned, and secure the most lucrative television deal we can find.”

Leagues will be formed below the EBL, and will operate a promotion and relegation system that will see the bottom 200 schools closed and their pupils immediately placed on a work for welfare scheme.

Baccalaureate League Table

The government is backing the plan and insisted that an elite league consisting of selective schools and independent schools will distract those whose ambitions lie in more creative or “unrealistic” areas.

“In order to achieve government set targets schools will focus less on choice and this will send a clear message that creativity and ambition is not acceptable.” revealed Education Secretary Michael Gove.

“If you’re no good at Maths, English, Science, languages, geography or history then you might as well give up now. Seriously, it’s game over for you.”

“You might be good at art, have a love of music, maybe a passion for cooking, but you might as well forget it.”

“Unless you can work out how fast someone is moving if they take 2 hrs 42 minutes to travel 67 miles, know your periodic table, can give accurate directions to a Frenchman, and know what the capital of Kenya is then you’re entirely worthless.”

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