Wednesday 12 January 2011 by @johnnybeelzebub

Government approves pub plans to help us blackout all memory of royal wedding


Ministers have announced the extension of pub opening hours in England and Wales on the day of the royal wedding, so that people will have a far greater chance of forgetting it ever happened.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are due to be married at Westminster Abbey on the 29th April during an inescapable UK media frenzy, but sympathetic MPs are allowing longer pub opening hours to give sane people the faint chance of drinking themselves into an oblivious stupor and blocking out any awareness of the event.

“We still have three and a half months before the big day,” admitted a leading backbencher, “and yet most rational people are already sick to death of hearing about it.”

“There were calls for three months amnesty on heroin use to allow people some chance of an escape, but we soon realised that there probably isn’t enough to go around, even if we searched our prisons.”

“So this extension of licensing hours seems to be the fairest way that we can erase this tortuous tedium from our minds,” she continued, “assuming any of our minds survive to be anywhere near intact until then.”

Royal Wedding Pub opening hours

Even the most ardent of royalists have welcomed the possibility of drinking away the pain.

“I long for the day when the Daily Mail returns to covering more worthy world news like immigration, health and safety going mad and the latest on their list of what causes cancer,” confessed Diana-Victoria Cadagon.

“We still haven’t even begun with all the speculation about Kate Middleton’s dairy-free diet so she can fit into the wedding dress, the style and designer of which will be another month-long banal mystery the media will have to uncover.”

“So hopefully,” she added, “if I get to my local the second it opens and drink a potentially lethal mix of whiskey, vodka and gin until it closes, I might be able to wipe out everything since the 16th November.”

“I may die, but it’s the only hope I can cling onto right now; at least that‘s what my doctor told me.”

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