Wednesday 12 January 2011 by Gary Stanton

Anti-piracy laser cannon proves useless against eye-patch technology


The multi-million pound seaborne laser system designed to temporarily blind pirates fundamentally ignores the fact that most of them wear some form of eye patch, experts warned last night.

At distances of more than 1.2 km the beam acts as a warning signal effectively alerting pirates to the fact that it is now time to move the patch to protect the ‘good’ eye, before they get within ‘temporary blinding distance’.

Many bloodthirsty pirates have since found that the dazzling beam is superb at burning away cataracts and that repeated pulses can replace the expensive laser surgery used to correct short-sightedness.

Weapons designed to cause permanent blindness are currently banned by a United Nations protocol leaving many vulnerable mariners asking why they can’t just use ‘already approved’ large guns which cause permanent death, instead.

Sailor Sean Williams said, “I can’t say I feel all that safe going up against bloodthirsty pirates with what amounts to a big torch.  I mean, I like torches, I even had Jamie’s Magic Torch when I was a kid, but at least that had different colours.”

Anti-piracy laser

A spokesperson from BAE systems, who developed the system, explained, “Granted, we hadn’t thought about pirates covering their eyes when the laser is fired.  We thought they’d be like moths drawn inexplicably to the light, ultimately rendering them defenceless.”

“We’re still confident it’s worth everyone spending millions and millions of dollars on.”

Miriam Webster, a victim of Somalian piracy, told us, “Instead of getting a laser which requires pirates to invest in much better sunglasses, how about we develop a laser which slices them in two in a fraction of a second?”

“I think that’s the sort of anti-piracy technology we could all get behind.”

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