Monday 10 January 2011 by @johnnybeelezebub

Psychiatrists warn of the mental health risks associated with managing Liverpool


Football managers all over Europe are being warned against considering getting involved with the long-term vacancy at Anfield after it was linked to several forms of mental illness.

The Liverpool job used to be the pinnacle of any manager’s career, coming with the certainty of silverware and the adulation of fans all over the world, but it now appears to be the most poisoned chalice in sport as medical professionals have found clear evidence that it causes the onset of a rare and aggressive form of dementia.

“Just look at Benitez,” explained Anfield psychotherapist Dr Weiss.

“What the hell happened to him? When he came here he was a tactical genius. Now it is just a matter of time before he gets sectioned under the Mental Health Act.”

“When I tried to tell him of his paranoia he just said that it meant that they had gotten to me too. I never found out who ‘they’ were, only that they could be kept at bay with extremely bad facial hair and the word ‘fact’.”

“And now look a poor Roy,” the doctor continued. “Another man with a sparkling managerial CV that has now been checking into a padded cell.”

“He keeps thinking that it’s 1973 and he’s still a PE teacher in Pretoria, South Africa. He even made Fernando Torres miss the trip to Holland as punishment for not having his shirt tucked in during ‘assembly’.”

Liverpool management vacancy

Psychiatrists are unsure of the cause of the mental illnesses but some believe that it is a new contagious disease that may have been caught from Liverpool’s supporters.

“They’re no better,” a researcher claimed. “They still think it’s the eighties and they have this delusion that they have some divine right to be at the top the table.”

“They used to suck the ball into the goal at the Kop End. Now it’s like the fans are just sucking the sanity out of anyone that tries to do anything for the club. Even two formerly astute American businessmen left in straight jackets. This job is the death knell for any career.”

“Just one day into the role and Kenny Dalglish is already bumbling on incoherently during television interviews in something we can only describe as ‘gibberish’.”

“If I didn’t know better I’d say the position is cursed.”

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