Friday 7 January 2011 by Spacey

Fewer police means fewer criminals being caught, finds startlingly obvious report


A report carried out by a government think-tank has revealed what was already blindingly obvious, by warning that criminals are less likely to be caught as police numbers are cut.

The report carried out by Civitas, called ‘2011: Lock your doors for Jesus’, used a technique known as ‘Maths’ to come to the conclusion that “a nation with fewer police is more likely to have a higher crime rate”.

“Yeah, it’s all pretty clear cut,” revealed Report author Nick Cowen. “We’ve had the figures checked by, what do you call them? erm, maths doctors?”

“Anyway we’ve had the figures checked by people that are good at maths and they agree that if there’s fewer police to catch criminals then fewer criminals will be caught.”

Police cutbacks

Mathsmatiser Carol Vordemann, has endorsed the findings along with former numbernator Johnny Ball.

“Both myself and Johnny are really good with numbers and can work out some sums without having to use a calculator” Boasted the former Countdown boffin.

“If you have 10 policeman and 10 criminals, then you take away 3 policeman, leaving you with 7 policeman and 10 criminals, then that’s, bear with me………., a thirty percent reduction in efficiency.” added a triumphant Johnny Ball.

Policing minister Nick Herbert has dismissed maths as ‘witchcraft’ and insisted that cutting the number of police won’t affect crime rates.

“It won’t be a problem if we can get those who remain to spend more time catching criminals and less time beating up students.”

“Would now be a good time to say the words ‘tough’ and ‘fair’?” He concluded.

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