Thursday 6 January 2011 by @johnnybeelzebub

NoTW editor suspended for not covering tracks in disappointingly sexless scandal


Ian Edmondson has been suspended from his position at the News of the World for failing to adequately cover his tracks in a controversy that has disappointed readers for its lack of any sordid romping.

News editor Edmondson has been told to take some time away due to his inability to hide evidence of his involvement in a phone-tapping scandal, but the newspaper’s patrons have been left thoroughly dissatisfied after they realised there would be no mention of any alcohol-fuelled or drug-crazed, extra-marital debauchery.

“I feel completely betrayed,” said loyal reader Adam Barber. “You always imagine people from the News of the World going out to headlines that involve paying for unnatural sexual acts with illegal immigrants that just happen to be caught on camera out of sheer bad luck.”

“But this just goes to show that he’d completely lost touch with his readers. I mean, if you haven’t even got the decency to set yourself up in a cocaine sting with a fake sheik, then your heart’s obviously not in it.”

Ian Edmondson suspended

Another reader told us from his white van that he felt that the story showed Mr Edmondson should not have been editor in the first place.

“It’s totally unbecoming of anyone associated with the paper. Leaving the News of the World without ruining your reputation and the lives of your entire family along the way just smacks of rank hypocrisy.”

“OK, he might end up in jail, but to be honest that’s not what I want to be reading in front of my kids on a Sunday, especially not before I go to church.”

Colleagues at the newspaper also feel let down by the absence of an orgy.

“Not one mention of a nipple,” admitted an undercover reporter.

“For that reason alone, I don’t think we can even mention the story. But for old times’ sake I think we’ll just put it in really small print with all the apologies that are scattered about in the classified ads section.”

The paper has responded to the suspension by assuring readers that this will not happen again.

A statement read, “I can categorically assure all readers that from now on our news editors will be coached in the best ways of avoiding detection when they break the law.”

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