Thursday 6 January 2011 by Johnnybeelzebub

How can we be badly managed if we earn such big bonuses, ask BP bosses


Senior executives at BP have responded to claims of bad management by saying that their enormous end of year profit shares suggest otherwise.

BP has been accused of negligence in its decision making during the events that led to the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico earlier this year, but the hierarchy at the global energy corporation believe the millions they are making in bonuses clearly counter any ludicrously misguided allegations of mismanagement.

“My multi-million pound bank booster proves that I personally have done a splendid job,” explained Chief Financial Officer Byron Grote.

“It may appear that we have not performed our duties when you look at that minor matter in the Gulf of Mexico, but we actually have a policy of bonuses before safety, so we can look back proudly at 2010.”

“We cut so many corners with cowboy construction work that we saved a fortune,” Mr Grote continued, “and it’s not just the money that we avoided paying in our Gulf of Mexico operations.”

“We’ve had the foresight to fleece those gullible British motorists to the tune of billions for decades, so there’s much more money to go round.”

BP accused of mismanagement

While some have pointed to the necessity of creating a compensation fund of over $20bn for its involvement in the disaster, others at the company have said that this was as insignificant as a drop in the ocean, or an oil spill in the Caribbean Sea.

“Just think of our company coffers like one of our endless oil wells,” new CEO Robert Dudley told reporters.

“It doesn’t matter how much you lose when you spring a leak, because there’s still plenty more to get your hands dirty with.”

“Just look at my filthy, fat bonus. I’m going to spend a small portion of it on a state of the art, luxury super-yacht and name it ‘Big Pay’. And do you know what I’m going to do with it?”

“I’m going to take her on her virgin voyage to the Gulf of Mexico so that I can witness firsthand those wonderful waters that are now unspoiled by any grotesque greenery or any other of nature’s nauseating creations.”

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