Tuesday 4 January 2011 by @johnnybeelzebub

Claire Balding’s Essential Guide to 2011


Hello, I’m Claire Balding and I’m here to tell you what’s hot, and what’s not, in 2011. Go and fetch a pencil as you’ll no doubt want to update your diaries after I tell you what to look out for during the horrible year ahead.

January
Pencil it in:
The World Professional Darts Championship at Lakeside Surrey from the 9th. Watch in wonder as these finely-tuned athletes waddle up to the oche displaying superhuman strength to bring their enormous beer bellies with them. Then witness their awesome stamina as they stand still for hours on end, repeatedly working their wrists like only teenage boys know how.

February
Fuck it off:
Chinese New Year from the 3rd. A billion and half people will be celebrating the turn of another year but the silly, dog-devouring sods will be over four weeks behind the rest of the world. Then they will go on to accredit the year to some animal from the world of make-believe, like a fierce dragon or a large Chinese cock.

March
Pencil it in:
Justin Bieber’s UK Tour starting in Birmingham on the 4th. With the body of a little boy and the voice of a little girl, this jail bait beauty has something for everyone. It’s no coincidence that the most googled words of 2010 were Bieber, Justin and sex. So whether you’re a vacuous teenage girl or a lover of a nice bearded-clam like me, fill your wank bank with the real live Bieber.

April
Fuck it off:
The marriage of Prince William and the commoner on the 29th. The haemophiliac Royal bloodline being further diluted is nothing to cheer about. The only hope for the nation is that Harry doesn’t hold his peace and admits to shagging Kate on the eve of the wedding, or Wills himself does the decent thing and jilts her at the last minute.

May
Pencil it in:
The Women’s FA Cup Final on the 21st. Not for the first time, Coventry is the place to be for the highlight of the year’s sporting calendar. Watch the unrepentant tom boys and hulking lesbians battle it out in truly comic fashion in a slow motion and skill free version of the world’s favourite sport.

June
Fuck it off:
Wimbledon’s three week fortnight starts on the 20th. Do you really want to feel out-of-place sipping on overpriced Pimm’s in the rain among sneering toffs like me? I’d hope not, because you’re not welcome. It’s the reserve of the ruling classes to take in the wonderful sight of surly Scotsman Andy Murray disappointing his sour-faced old boot of a mother, even if it’s not in the usual sexual way.

July
Pencil it in:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 opens on the 15th. Feel a deep, spiritual relief when the overly hyped and awfully acted franchise finally comes to a close, ensuring that star Daniel Radcliffe can disappoint teenage girls everywhere by properly coming out of the closet in a way that I have yet to do.

August
Pencil it in:
The 21st Anniversary of the Gay Pride Festival in Manchester on the 27th. There’s nothing I love more than dying my hair pink and purple and shamelessly kissing members of the same sex in broad daylight without fear of recrimination. Though I still always struggle with my conscience and identity when I wake up next to another androgynous gender-bender in the morning.

September
Fuck it off:
The 2011 Rugby World Cup from the 9th to the 23rd. The fact that New Zealand’s biggest ever sporting event will draw less visitors than you can fit into Wembley tells its own story. What’s more, the home nations haven’t a prayer so be thankful it will be on at a time when you will be having nightmares about your meaningless life.

October
Pencil it in:
The MOBO Awards, date yet to be confirmed. The music is awful and the presenters are usually worse, but watching the faces of young, hard-working, black musicians as they see their talentless white peers ghetto-limping away with the awards that were clearly created for them is comedy that cannot be written.

November
Fuck it off:
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn premieres on the 18th. I have no intention of watching lesbian teens that appear to really want to lose their virginities decide, for a succession of increasingly ridiculous reasons, not to lose their virginities. If there’s no muff munching, I’m not interested and there’s an industry bigger than Hollywood that would agree with me.

December
Fuck it off:
The entire country from the 1st to the 31st. Snow, delays, shopping, Christmas, families and another New Year’s fucking Eve. Get out while you can, just pray your first class flight isn’t cancelled. If you’re really smart, you won’t even think of coming back.

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