Monday 3 January 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Ford prison riot proves inmates ready for a quick return to collapsing British society


Prisons Minister Crispin Blunt has rebuffed criticism at the levels of staffing at HMP Ford, saying the recent riots clearly demonstrated success in preparing inmates for a quick return to a rapidly collapsing British society.

He spoke out in defence of the open prison and the four people who run it, saying the 40 rioting prisoners were merely attuned to the collective psyche of a nation that had shown through its own recent civil disobedience that it was no better than those incarcerated for its protection.

Blunt told reporters, “The remit of HMP Ford is quite clear. It is to prepare inmates for their re-integration into the society they had let down so badly by failing to get all of the charges against them dismissed with a continual response of ‘no comment’ during their police interview.”

“Quite clearly the rioters at Ford over the new year have demonstrated their suitability for reintegration with a society that has continued to disintegrate in their absence.”

“If I had my way the 40 culprits would be immediately released having shown they were once more ‘of the masses’ and fully conversant with the level of aggression they need to sustain to remain a true part of modern Britain.”

Ford Open Prison riot

Reports suggest the riot was caused by the demand for breathalyser tests, and not because someone had forgotten where the exit was, as was earlier believed.

“I never believed the ‘lost the exit’ story,” said a former Ford prison guard. “You exit your apartment, turn right and go straight past the entrance gate.  How could you possibly forget that?”

Minister Blunt also thought allowing prisoners to drink was a good way of preparing them for an outside world where securing anal sex isn’t as simple as rolling over at lights out.

“The drink helps them to forget what they’ll be missing when they leave.”

“It’s why most tend to come back, actually.”

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