Thursday 30 December 2010

Post Office queues to grow exponentially


As the latest government figures showed that one in five people will live to be 100, post offices have begun preparing for exponential growth in their queues at locations around the country.

The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) said its figures suggested 10 million people – 17% of the population – would become centenarians, causing chaos at Post Offices, and forcing the Queen to outsource centurion birthday card production to the lowest Philippine bidder.

A Post Office spokesperson told reporters, “We are embarking on a twenty-year building programme which will provide sufficient queuing areas around all Post Offices for the thousands of doddery old dears who need a second class stamp but don’t trust the dispensing machines.”

“If we do nothing, in a few years we could face scenes at every post office reminiscent of the queues at a Twilight premier, except it will reek of the piss from old women being a bit racist instead of over-excited teenage girls.”

Population over 100

An ageing population is the largest concern for many economists, who claim that unless you can find a way for a deeply-unpleasant ninety year-old woman to be productive, the future economy is absolutely screwed.

Economist William Matthews told us, “If we could somehow harness the energy created when a group of old people get together to moan about young people, then perhaps we could solve the global energy crisis overnight.”

“As it is, old people will significantly outnumber teenagers in the coming years, raising the terrifying spectre of gangs of old people roaming the streets, intimidating the rest of us, and scavenging for whatever they can find to top up their meagre pensions.”

“Or we could just take a long hard look at Logan’s Run and realise they had the right idea after all.”

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