Thursday 30 December 2010 by @jonnybeelzebub

I’d rather watch my grandparents having sex, say Liverpool fans


Supporters of Liverpool Football club have said that they would rather be forced to watch their elderly grandparents doing the no-pants-dance than have to endure another dire night at Anfield.

Liverpool have failed to produce anything resembling entertainment since the comical signing of Christian Poulsen, but after yesterday’s painfully monotonous performance against bottom of the table Wolves, fans have united in saying that there is no torture worse than watching their team trying to remember how to play football.

“Watching paint dry would be a blessing,” said one season ticket holder. “I’d rather watch my nana getting naked and doing the reverse cowboy on my bed-ridden granddad.”

“In fact, I’d rather film it and get up close and personal for the money shots than have to look at that lot trying to prove that they’re professional at anything, other than taking the piss out of the people that pay their bloody wages.”

Liverpool defeat

Another supporter admitted, “I’ve walked in on my grandparents before, and trust me, it’s not that bad.”

“Sure, I’ve been mentally scarred for life and I’ll probably never have sex with a human ever again, but it’s still nowhere near as horrifying as watching that crap from the Kop End. Now that is torture.”

Such has been the severity of the reports of torture at Anfield that Amnesty International are said to be campaigning for a UN investigation into the treatment of people held within the ground.

Others were philosophical about the performance, “Well, I’m sad to hear that but I quite enjoyed it myself,” said a Mr Hodgson, 63.

“The Wolves fans certainly did too, so it’s not all bad.”

“Perhaps if Liverpool fans stopped looking at things from a selfish perspective and tried to enjoy games as neutrals, maybe from the point of view of an Evertonian or a Mancunian, then I’m sure they wouldn’t be so bloody miserable.”

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