Thursday 23 December 2010 by Spacey

Skype blackout leaves Leslie Grantham desperately short of things to masturbate to


Former EastEnders actor and webcam womaniser Leslie Grantham has revealed his anger at being left with virtually nothing to masturbate to after internet phone service Skype suffered a global blackout.

The outage of the service has affected thousands of people who use the service to connect with friends and family, but it is believed those worse affected are pantomime stars with too much time on their hands.

“It’s been absolutely hellish,” the actor, who played the Queen Vic landlord “Dirty” Den Watts over two seperate stints, revealed.

“I tried using my imagination, but I just kept thinking of Wendy Richards. I’m not talking Are You Being Served, I’m talking full-on Pauline Fowler. That’s an image that I usually use as a delaying tactic.”

Global Skype outage

Tony Bates, Skype chief executive officer has apologised for the outage of the service and assured all male pantomime actors that their engineers and site operations team are working non-stop to get things back to normal.

“We wish to apologise to Mr Grantham and any other panto stars short of titillation who have been affected by this incident.”

Grantham has remained unimpressed despite the reassurances.

“A total lack of webcam interaction with young women left me with an excrutiating aching in my testicles.”

“When I did finally manage to spoff one out, it was more for medicinal purposes than pleasure. The ejaculate came out with such ferocity that it cracked the screen on my laptop.”

“I will be expecting compensation.”

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