Wednesday 22 December 2010 by Will Blake

Christmas to be moved to the Spring


Following the travel chaos caused by the recent snow falls, the government has decided to move Christmas to a milder time of year.

Philip Hammond, the Transport Secretary, announced the plans this morning, “It was a simple choice: either we invest more in snow-clearing equipment to ensure people can travel over the Christmas period, or we move it forward a few months. It’s a no-brainer.”

The Head of the Retail Consortium welcomed the news, “Christmas is all about mindless shopping and if people can’t get to the malls because of the bad weather then this move makes perfect sense. People can get their presents in the January sales too.”

Santa Claus was also positive. “It’s a great idea! I’ve got a six-pack and this bloody red suit just makes me look fat.”

“If Christmas was in late April I’d be able to wear a short-sleeved designer shirt and maybe get a girlfriend.”

“Plus, I could lose the sleigh. People don’t know this, but reindeers stink.”

Christmas in the Spring

Music lovers have suggest that moving Christmas would also lead to a better quality of Christmas number one.

Paul Stubs of the NME said, “Artists would be forced to write a decent tune rather than put a drum machine on random, overlay some sleigh bells and croon about fingering someone under the mistletoe. It could spell the end for Cliff Richard.”

The Church of England is not expected to raise any objections. “There’s no evidence that Jesus was born on Christmas day,” The Bishop of Derby explained.

“And there’s no evidence the Church of England really believes in anything. So, yeah. Bring on a spring Christmas. No more Good King bloody Wenceslas.”

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