Tuesday 21 December 2010

Why are you still believing anything I say, asks Vince Cable


Cabinet Minister Vince Cable this morning asked why people are continuing to believe any of the words that come out of his mouth.

Cable was secretly recorded explaining that being in the coalition was like a ‘war’, that the Lib Dems and Tories don’t get on, and that he could bring down the government by resigning – prompting accusations that he might actually be telling the truth this time.

However the business secretary has issued a statement explaining that it would be easier, and less embarrassing for all concerned, if people could just assume everything he ever says is a lie.

His statement read, “I am embarrassed that people are still applying any level of importance whatsoever to anything I say, and hope that in future people can regard my statements with the wheelbarrow load of salt they deserve.  Including this one.”

“I realise that when I give two diametrically opposed statements, the chances are that one of them might be true, but it’s probably best to assume they’re both absolute bullshit.”

Vince Cable recording

The latest incident follows a dramatic u-turn over tuition fees, which Cable had previously said he would vehemently oppose, before insisting he didn’t really mean ‘oppose’ in the strictest sense of the word, and wasn’t breaking any promises by voting to rise tuition fees.

Soldiers have reacted positively to Cable liking a ministerial post with fighting the Taliban, with many agreeing the similarities are striking.

Lance Corporal Sean Williams told us, “I can see why he would liken the coalition to fighting a war.  I wouldn’t swap the front line in Helmand Province to sit around a table being repeatedly told ‘no’ by a bunch of privately educated toffs.  It must be hell.”

“Give me a bunch of well-trained armed insurgents over a group of power-hungry Tories any day.”

Most voters have reacted with surprise at this latest Cable incident, with one telling us, “Jesus wept – and to think people actually wanted him to be Chancellor.”

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