Secretary of State for Local Government Eric Pickles has been told to slim down almost 10 percent by next year.
The coalition government has instigated a programme of cuts designed to reduce the cost and size of Mr Pickles by 28 percent over the course of the next four years.
The cuts have been determined according to a new ‘democratic formula’ intended to allow all MPs a fair shot at the House of Commons canteen.
The surprise move is expected to mean a reduction of around 10,000 calories per day for Mr Pickles, whose eating became uncontrollable under the Labour government.
“Labour essentially wrote Eric a blank cheque,” said one David Cameron.
“As a result, a disproportionate amount of the canteen’s resources are spent on him. In these straightened times, when we all have to tighten our belts, it’s only fair that Mr Pickles should accept his fair share of the pain.”
Local Government Secretary Funding
“He’s a lovely man,” said Martha, one of the canteen serving ladies, “but it’s only fair. There are Lib Dem backbenchers who haven’t eaten a dessert since 1998.”
Labour criticised the cuts, saying that they would be inefficient and ineffective.
“We recognise the need to bring Mr Pickles back under control as much as anyone, but 10 percent is too ambitious. Plus, some of the reforms that allow Eric control over his own diet and exercise regime are naïve at best.’
Mr Pickles was stuck in a lift and unavailable for comment.