Friday 10 December 2010 by Formelia Alberthine

We’ll kill people more quietly then, say Birmingham gangsters


Man with a gun

Birmingham gangsters have thanked the local police for letting them know about the installation of gunshot sensors which are being installed at a crime hotspot in the city and have promised to slay people more quietly in future.

The device, the first of its kind to be installed in the UK, can pin point the location of a helplessly dying victim to within 25 metres by relaying the sound of gunfire to a control centre where a police officer trained in the art hearing will assign an armed response unit to the scene of the bloodied corpse.

Local gangster Graham Tucker said, “It is really quite considerate of them to let us know the exact location of the installation and can only apologise if locals think our murders have been a bit too noisy in the past.”

“We would like to re-assure the Birmingham public that any future shots fired at them in this location will be done so with a silencer fitted.”

“Often in these incidents, it’s not the murderer making noise, but the victims, who tend to come over all selfish about all the screaming and gurgling as blood fills their lungs.”

Birmingham gun sensors

Mr Tucker went on to notify the public of a system gangsters under his control have agreed to abide by.

“Should we deem you to be the benefactor of one of our home made bullets, we will clap at you twice for a knee capping, and three times for a head shot at which point you should raise your hands and await your imminent departure.”

Some gangsters have asked for clarification as to whether the new rules will actually affect them, with one saying, “I always use a knife, so can it hear stabbings and slashings?”

“It’s sort of my ‘thing’ – so I hope this doesn’t lead to a spate of copycats using this quiet method of deadly violence.”

Police have also banned locals in the area from playing the Nancy Sinatra hit ‘Bang bang,’ saying that it was ‘absolutely shit.’

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