Friday 10 December 2010 by Doug Furlong and Patrick Perring

Panicking Aussies urge a call up for Sir Don Bradman to the Ashes Squad


Desperate Australian cricket fans have called for Don Bradman to be rushed into the ashes squad ready for the Perth test following the inning defeat at Adelaide.

Bradman was an Australian cricketer, widely acknowledged as the greatest batsman of all time with a career Test batting average of 99.94 which has been claimed to be statistically the greatest achievement in any major sport.

Dingo Johnson cricket correspondent from the Sydney Herald said, “The fact that the Don has been dead for nine years and would be 101 were he alive should not stop him playing for the baggy greens and showing the Poms what the game is all about.”

“Death may be permanent, but so is class.”

Cricket fans leaving the Adelaide test said, “While the Dons lifeless corpse may not be the most agile of players he will certainly be more animated than Marcus North, and will certainly add some gravitas to the team.”

“Also, he can certainly be relied upon not to show fear if we put him at silly mid on.

Australian Test Team

Spinner Graham Swann, speaking on behalf of the England squad said, “This move shows that the Aussies are panicking.”

“Sure, we would all like the opportunity to face such a legend, although we may have to consider the whether Bradman will be allowed a runner when he comes into bat, given he’s been dead for nine years.”

Brisbane cricket fan Ross Heywood has established a website devoted to raising funds to entice Bradman to make himself available and shops have reported increases in sales of Ouija boards and shovels over the last few days.

Meanwhile Kevin Pieterson has been fined $150 by the Australian authorities for scoring at a run rate far faster than is permitted in Australia.

Spokesperson Bruce Gooday confirmed, “Pieterson was scoring at a strike rate of 73.30%, a strike rate way above the permitted 55% for Australia. He was scoring at a ridiculous speed. It was just not cricket.”

“The $150 fine is disproportionate to the vast damage he is doing in Oz. If he doesn’t reduce the speed at which he scores in the next test, we may well have to fit him up with some trumped up charges of sexual assault.”

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