The government has initiated a radical new policy to make addicts healthier, more productive members of society by suggesting to them that maybe they should consider not taking drugs any more.
The initiative signals a marked shift from the previous government’s policy of merely changing the drugs they were addicted to.
“Our evidence suggests that not taking drugs is better for you than shooting dirty skag cut with bleach into your veins three times a day,” said a Home Office spokesman.
“So we think addicts should maybe not do drugs. It’s a bit of an outsider, to be honest, but we’re going to give it a try.”
The Labour government championed an approach that saw addicts supplied with free goodies for the price of not mugging old ladies for their fix-money.
“It was great,” says one junkie. “But thinking about it, perhaps not taking drugs would have been another approach.”
Jonathan, a hedge fund manager and long-term heroin user from Barnsley, was enthusiastic about the new policy.
“I was getting a bit worried about my drug use. It’s starting to interfere with my work and I was kind of thinking I’d probably chuck in the 9-to-5 and resort to a life of petty crime and prostitution to fund my habit.”
“But giving up is a much better idea. I wish someone had thought of it sooner.”
Not everyone was so complimentary, however. David Nutt, the government drug adviser who was fired for making indefensibly true statements about the dangers of alcohol left unimpressed.
“The whole thing has just gone to pot since they kicked the scientists out. How the hell is people not taking drugs supposed to help anyone?”