Wednesday 8 December 2010

Wikileaks urged to strike oil in return for compassionate release of Julian Assange


UK authorities have suggested that they could be convinced to release Julian Assange on compassionate grounds if Wikileaks were to find oil roughly equivalent to that produced by Libya each year.

Following further revelations that the British government were concerned Libya might not give them any more oil if they didn’t give them back a murderer, Wikileaks have begun digging in their back garden.

An unnamed Wikileaks source told us, “It’s a great plan, and it has precedent.  We’re not sure of exactly the amount of oil we need to find in order to make the authorities ignore the law, but we’re pretty sure we’ll know when we reach it.”

“We had thought about doing some fund raising for a legal ‘fighting fund’ for Julian, but in all honesty, we realised the best way to get a prisoner released is to get access to quite a lot of oil.”

“Plus it’s much quicker to be honest.  One decent oil strike and Julian could be home by Friday.”

Al Megrahi release

A government spokesperson explained that it was unlikely that Wikileaks would be able to find enough oil to make them release Assange.

“We take the charges alleged against Mr Assange extremely seriously, and as such we would be unlikely to release him for less than a billion pounds worth of oil per year.”

“You have to remember that he is charged with sexual assault, this is not a minor crime we can overlook like blowing up a plane full of passengers over Scotland.”

“No, Mr Assange will remain in custody and subject to the due process of the law, right up until Wikileaks can convince us they have something we really want in return for his release.”

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