Tuesday 7 December 2010 by Gary Stanton

New ‘risky’ prostate blood test definitely beats hand up the arse, claim men everywhere


Prostate Exam

UK medical experts who claimed that the introduction of nationwide blood tests to detect prostate cancer would do more harm than good, have been told to shut the fuck up by men everywhere.

A substantial majority favour the simple test which identifies a specific antigen but can lead to over-diagnosis, as opposed to the current procedure, which involves being strapped to a bed while a doctor puts his hand so far up your arse that he can tickle your ribcage.

As one patient explained, “Look, any medical procedure that involves the doctor removing his watch is surely in need of replacement in today’s technologically advanced society?”

“There are machines that can accurately map my brain whilst I lie awake on the bed, yet a prostate exam still involves the sort of thing the wife only lets me do on my birthday. That’s not right.”

The current procedure, usually accompanied by a sharp intake of breath, can last for anything up to ten minutes and is usually carried out in front of medical students who record it on their mobiles for training purposes before putting it up on Youtube.

Prostate cancer blood test

Proctologist William Galloway told us, “The new test is not without its drawbacks. I mean – what’s funny about watching someone having a needle inserted into their arm?”

“Seriously, I’ve got my website sponsors to think about and this new test is going to fuck my site traffic into a cocked hat. ’

Meanwhile, a small number of men claim the traditional method is extremely effective when carried out by a pretty nurse who looks like she might be Danish and who applies the lube while staring you directly in the eye.

Martin Spender, a regular prostate examination advocate from Yeovil said, “The old-fashioned test works just fine. My doctor tells me I really don’t need the test every Wednesday afternoon, but better safe than sorry if you ask me.  I just wish he’d join me in a glass of wine beforehand.”

“I actually watched a similar procedure on DVD only last week except in this instance the recipient was female, there were five nurses and the whole thing was set to some cheesy soundtrack.”

“At least I think it was a prostate test – the subtitles were in Dutch. If you have any concerns, I can burn you a copy.”

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