Prime minister David Cameron has told reporters that sections of the Barmy Army could be withdrawn from overseas operations much earlier than planned.
He told reporters, “With that innings victory over Australia you can see we are making excellent progress. I believe it’ll soon be mission accomplished with all our boys back in Blighty.”
Cricket analysts agreed, “Four years ago the Barmy Army was facing fierce opposition Down Under – but now the auld enemy are hardly able to launch a decent attack. We’ve turned the tide.”
The Head of the Barmy Army welcomed the news, telling front-line reporters, “These men are away from their wives and jobs for up to 4 months at a time. To be able to come back home and see their loved ones – and pay the bills – is fantastic news.”
Relatives were more cautious over the hopes of an early return, with one of the wives, Jane Tong, explaining, “We’ve heard these promises before. I heard my Steve was coming back but then his tour of duty was extended for two months so he could get plastered in the West Indies.”
Over the last few years, the Government has faced severe criticism about the equipment provided to the Barmy Army.
“How can we send our boys to hostile environments like Australia without proper sunglasses, condoms and alka selzter? It’s scandalous,” one campaigner said.
The Government has denied it was putting the men’s lives at risk and insists we have a Barmy Army fit for the 21st century.
“The safety of each and every member of the Barmy Army is our prime concern and we have provided them with the highest quality sun block, the latest comedy Crusaders’ shields and all-weather flip-flops.”
Angry wives, debt collectors and disgruntled bosses are expected to welcome the Barmy Army back when they start to come home next year.