Monday 29 November 2010 by Will Blake

Bottom of the table NHS Trust relegated to Championship


After coming bottom of the England and Wales mortality league table, Wessex NHS Trust has been relegated to the Championship.

The year started badly for Wessex after a mix-up in the X-ray department led to several unnecessary amputations, before an embarrassing capitulation against  MRSA in which an entire ward of patients died.

The Chief Executive of the hospital admitted, “Yeah. We’ve really been lacking in discipline. None of the nurses have been washing their hands, and one of the porters took a shit in an operating theatre. At this level, you get punished for that.”

Now relegated to the lower division, the hospital will be restricted to minor procedures such as in-growing toenails and rehabilitation of minor sports injuries.

NHS Mortality Table

The Chief Exec continued: “This is obviously disappointing but we hope to come straight back up next year.”

“I’ve spoken to the board and we’re going to make a few new signings in January. We’ve been monitoring an exciting new French surgeon for a while now. He could turn it round for us.”

In the meantime, Wessex NHS Trust hopes it can hang on to its star performers.

Director of Nursing, Ellie Warmingham, told reporters: “Routine blood tests are not why you come into this game. The heart bypasses, the kidney transplants. That’s where it’s at.”

Wessex face their next big challenge in December with the start of the ‘flu season, with Christmas being make or break for many hospitals.

The Chief Exec concluded, “We’re ready. If we can just cut out basic errors – like killing people and that – we’ll do all right.”

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