Friday 26 November 2010 by Gary Stanton

PE lessons still failing sensitive yet fairly intelligent weaklings, say experts


PE lessons are still failing to meet the basic needs of children who’d rather play chess in the canteen than get shouted at by a maniac in a muddy field, leading sports doctors claimed last night.

Experts claim that while lessons often fall short of providing the necessary work-out for self-confident high school jock types who reached puberty when they were eight, they frequently provoke an existential crisis in kids who excel at maths and self-loathing.

As a result, many such children leave school with poor levels of fitness and still unable to withstand a direct hit from a medicine ball to the solar plexus.

Physical Education experts say those who are shit at sports often use the two wretched hours on a Wednesday afternoon set aside for ‘Games’ to compose sonnets and develop a paradoxically contemptuous attitude to physically superior specimens whom they see as “muddied oafs at the goalposts”.

In some cases, children are forced to invent fake injuries rather indulge in a two hour workout culminating in a thirty minute session in the showers, during which their genitals are held up to ridicule by a boy with more pubic hair than a 70s porn star.

Failing PE classes

PE teacher and part-time bastard Richard Briers said, “I’ve received three letters this term from pubeless Elliot Steffing of Class 3H, which he claims were written by his mother, describing different and quite probably fictitious ailments.”

“Forgive me for sounding a little sceptical, but from my experience, it is still very rare to encounter gout in a child of his age.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got his latest note in front of me so I’m off to look up Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. “

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