Friday 26 November 2010 by Spacey

Bernard Matthews farms announce Burgers made with real Bernard Matthews


Following the death of the turkey tycoon, Bernard Matthews farms have announced the release of a commemorative burger that will contain as much Bernard Matthews, as Turkey Twizzlers contain Turkey.

Matthews, who was famous for his catch-phrase, “Pass me the baseball bat, this turkey’s freaking me out!” stepped down from the company’s main board of directors in January after revealing that he had taken the art of turning reconstituted turkey bits into barely edible dinosaur-shaped bites as far as he could.

Noel Bartram, group chief executive of Bernard Matthews Farms, said Mr Matthews died on Thursday afternoon and production of the new burgers would start over the weekend.

“We are confident that mincing Bernard’s remains and turning the resultant meat-like substance into a crispy coated tycoon-shaped family favourite is just what he would have wanted.”

“Using our normal manufacturing processes, we expect we can turn about twelve stones of Bernard Matthews remains into approximately twenty-five tonnes of Bernard Matthews burgers.”

“No, it’s probably best you don’t ask what makes up the shortfall.”

Bernard Matthews burgers

Customers are excited by the new product, with one telling us, “Like most consumers, I like to know what I’m putting in my body.  And I definitely know Bernard Matthews.  The turkey guy, right?”

Chief Executive Noel Bartram concluded, “We think it’s apt that having put everything that he can into building up the business from its humble beginnings, that he continues this work ethic after his death by putting the bits of himself that any normal person would throw away, into the food.”

The company had suffered some difficult years recently which had included job cuts, an outbreak of bird flu and a series of products with all the nutritional value of a sofa cushion.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: