Wednesday 24 November 2010

Gillian McKeith dreaming of a return to rooting through people’s shit


I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here contestant and amateur fainter Gillian McKeith has spoken of her dream of leaving the jungle’s creepy crawlies behind so she can return to spending her days sifting through human excrement.

McKeith, who has been nominated by the public for every bush tucker trial since people realised she really doesn’t like doing them, is said to be suffering stress due to not being able to faint convincingly for the cameras.

She told viewers on the show, “Oh God, they’re going to pour cockroaches on me.  It’s absolutely disgusting. I bought a degree on the Internet you know, I’m much better than this.”

“The only way I can cope is by closing my eyes and finding a happy place where I’m running my hands through the giant stool sample of an obese Mancunian before pretending to know what it says about his diet.”

“As the shite runs through my fingers my heart rate slows – I let the aroma waft past my nose and before you know it I’m calm again.  But I’m going to my happy place dozens of times a day at the moment, so I’m not sure how much longer I can last.”

I’m a celebrity, honest

In the latest development McKeith has insisted she is pregnant with a poo baby, telling producers she just needs to hold it in her hands and cradle it softly until she calms down a bit.

She continued, “You know where you are with shite. I understand it, I love it. Just give me a arse cables and I’ll be fine.”

Show organisers have already refused to screen footage of Gillian following Shaun Ryder into the toilet and pleading for a handful of his bottom dirt, telling him she needed it, “just a little bit, a quick fix, like. I need it Shaun, I NEED it!”

Tonight’s episode will show Gillian spending an hour in the river in an attempt to catch a brown trout to keep under her pillow.

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