Wednesday 24 November 2010

Dead condom users begin appeal against eternal damnation


Millions of condom-using Hell residents have asked for their cases to be considered for for appeal, after the Catholic church said it might be ok after all.

The Church has now suggested that using condoms to prevent infection, rather than pregnancy, could be considered acceptable – though it still advocates the ridiculous ‘not having sex at all’ policy as the best way to prevent the spread of HIV and AIDS.

Hell resident Simon Williams told netherworld reporters, “The guy on the door told me it was pretty clear – contraception was a sin, the Pope had continually said it was a sin, and therefore I sinned. I was a sinner. I was going downstairs, end of story.”

“They had lots of video evidence of me using a condom and everything – videos which somewhat ironically I’d have been delighted to watch when I was still alive.”

“I argued the point, obviously, but they said the case was watertight  – they see a lot of condom cases apparently – and I was sent down here for eternity.”

“So as you can imagine I’m delighted to see a little clarification of the rules.  I might be in the wrong place after all!”

Catholic condom stance

The longest Hell resident incarcerated for condom use is Tom Thatcher, who died shortly after using a condom in 1607.

He told netherworld reporters, “I remember a priest telling me I’d go to Hell if I used it, but I thought he was joking – like they do about that masturbation thing.”

“Let me tell you now they were NOT kidding.  As I’m sure you can imagine I’m absolutely livid about being down here for the last four hundred years because the Pope couldn’t spare a few minutes to clarify the rules.”

“Now, if you could just get him to look again at the whole ‘Ox Coveting’ thing, I’ll be good to go.”

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