Tuesday 23 November 2010

Kim Jong Il to continue throwing artillery shells at the South, confirms Pyonyang


North Korean officials have confirmed that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il will continue to throw artillery shells at their South Korean enemies if they encroach just one millimetre into their waters.

The world is watching closely as the planet’s most powerful lunatic appears intent on starting the sort of fight normally reserved for Slough night-clubs on Saturday nights.

Both the US and UK have pleaded for restraint, however Pyonyang officials have insisted that Kim Jong-Il’s pitching arm is just warming up, and he could throw several hundred more shells at the South if he wanted to.

An official communique issued this morning explained, “Our Supreme Leader bravely defended the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea this morning by hurling artillery shells with his bare hands directly into the hearts of the capitalist pigs in the South.”

“Ten of them he threw over his shoulder without even looking, and the last one went under his leg.”

“In all, our beloved leader picked up two-hundred artillery shells and threw them approximately 20 km into the enemy heartland.”

North Korean aggression

Military experts have suggested that Kim Jong Il might not be able to actually throw artillery shells the sort of distances claimed, insisting that for such an attack to take place he would have to be standing two or three feet from his target.

Retired US General William Mitchell told reporters,”I don’t want to say he is lying.  But I very much doubt the claims coming from Pyonyang. If they told me it was daytime I’d want to look out of the window first.”

North Korean officials have insisted their version of events is the truth, claiming that Kim Jong Il strangled a defiant general with the power of his mind before beginning his assault on the South.

“He’s a bit pissed actually, he was on the golf course when the call came and was just about to beat his personal best with a round of 23.”

“Yes he did yes he did, shut up shut up shut up.”

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