Tuesday 23 November 2010

Doctors give hypochondriacs license to bore you witless


After a medical organisation warned that a persistent winter cough could be a sign of cancer, hypochondriacs everywhere celebrated by insisting to everyone that would listen that they definitely have it.

The warning from the country’s Pharmacist professional body claims that anyone with a long-lasting cough could be exhibiting signs consistent with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which affects millions in the UK, or even cancer.

The news has been met with delight by hypochondriac organisations across the country, with spokesperson for the National I Think I’m Really Dying This Time Society explaining, “I knew it! I said this cough was more than just a cough.  Oh God, I hope it hasn’t spread to anything important.”

“I’ve been on Google this morning and there a plenty of treatments available if my cancer is caught early enough, and I’ve only had this cough since yesterday so we should have plenty of time.”

“I’ll be taking all these printouts when I go to see my GP this afternoon.  I needed a couple of hours to tell my boss and all my friends that I’ve probably got cancer.”

“None of them cried, so I think they might be in shock.”

Winter cough cancer warning

GPs are already planning revenge on the Pharmacist’s organisation for the extra hours they will be working thanks to poorly-informed Google-jockeys insisting they have cancer, despite having nothing more than a tickley cough.

One GP told us, “They’ve done it this time.  For too long they’ve been backing all the difficult patients off to us, well it’s about time they took their fair share of these hypochondriacs.”

“We’ve got a report ready for publication which suggests that smelly poo could be a sign of bowel cancer, but that thankfully your pharmacist can give you the all clear as long as you take them a fresh sample to review.”

“Let’s see how they like them apples.”

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