Monday 22 November 2010 by Will Blake

Attractive people to be banned from smoking in public


In a further attempt to reduce the number of smokers in the UK, ministers plan to introduce legislation that will outlaw attractive, interesting and sexy people from smoking in public.

With smoking-related illnesses still on the rise, health officials have decided that a blanket ban on good-looking smokers is the only course of action left available to them.

A Junior Minister for Health said, “I’ve never smoked in my life but I know for a fact that if Cheryl Cole were ever snapped with a ciggie, I’d be on 30 a day tomorrow. It’s that dangerous.”

Ministers will shortly draw up a list of those who are too sexy to be seen inhaling tobacco smoke, with plans already in place to pilot the scheme in Scotland where there are fewer attractive people.

“We want to introduce this slowly and as such Dundee is the perfect place to start,” confirmed a Health Department source.

Smoking ban

The tobacco industry reacted angrily to the news, insisting it is yet further scaremongering on the part of the government.

A Tobacco industry spokesperson explained, “There is absolutely no evidence that attractive people seen smoking increases the number of smokers.”

“It’s all down to the hugely addictive nature of nicotine, insidious advertising and giving cheap fags to kids in developing countries to get them hooked.”

In a second strand to the initiative, the government plans to encourage dull celebrities, such as Alan Titchmarsh and James May, to take up the habit.

Public Health specialist, Dr Paul Graham, writes in the Lancet, “The numbers are clear: for every person like Alan Titchmarsh who is seen smoking, 10,000 people give up immediately. Alan Titchmarsh and his ilk really are our secret weapon in the battle against smoking-related illnesses.”

Despite pressure from her fans, the government has confirmed that Amy Winehouse will still be able to smoke. Her publicist was unavailable for comment.

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