Tuesday 16 November 2010

British happiness index to target incredibly drunk respondents


The government’s new happiness index will initially target exceptionally drunk respondents in an attempt to convince everyone that the country is actually perfectly happy with everything.

The announcement that we should look to measures of national well-being other than just the financial ones, comes after the current figures show that everything is swiftly heading down the nearest toilet.

“It’s classic politics,” said one economic analyst. “If you don’t like the answers you’re getting, change the questions completely.”

“Then guarantee positive answers by focusing on respondents that are off their tits on alcopops. It’s politics 101.”

“I’m guessing the first results will show Britain to be the happiest place on the planet.  If it’s not, then the people organising the survey must be complete morons.”

Britain’s Happiness Index

A government spokesperson said that those questioned will not only be incredibly drunk, they will also be shown various photos of global scenes of tragedy, sadness and political upheaval in the hope of making everything here seem just splendid.

“We’ll show them pictures of Kim Jong Il and Robert Mugabe, and then ask them how happy they are with our government. We’re expecting people to be at least ‘alright I suppose’.”

“Then we’ll show them pictures of the abject poverty you can find in parts of Africa and India, and ask them how well off they think they are.”

“Once they stop crying we’re expecting them to tell us they are incredibly lucky and they just want to go home for a hug.”

“If this is what we have to do to show everyone what a brilliant job we’re doing, then so be it.”

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