Monday 15 November 2010

Banks to spend morning pretending to discuss reducing bonuses


Several banking executives will this morning sit talking about their weekends whilst letting the rest of the country believe they are discussing the possibility of reducing their bonuses.

The pretend discussions are seen as a first step in reducing the negative publicity the banking profession has received in the last few years, after driving the economy to the brink of collapse whilst simultaneously becoming multi-millionaires over and over again.

City worker Nathan Althrop said, “We’re quite sure that if people genuinely believe we are actually talking about reducing our bonuses, then the public might stop spitting on me when I walk past them.”

“We’re not, of course, because we’re not mental. We have signed watertight contracts guaranteeing us those bonuses, so any genuine attempt to reduce them will see everyone in court quick than I can earn what you make in a year.”

“But I’m perfectly happy for you to think that I’m considering it.”

Bankers bonuses

There is a concern in the banking sector that limiting bonuses could mean many bankers leave the country to work in other financial centres, leading to the creation of a whole new population of smug pricks willing to gamble with your money.

City analyst Douglas Bird told us, “If any bonus reduction led to a loss of banking ‘talent’ to Wall Street, it could take several days until we find some new 25 year-old Essex wide boys who know how to us a spreadsheet that could easily take their place.”

“Those few days could lead to you not losing any more of your money, and other such dire consequences.”

Supermarket worker Terry Williams told us, “I don’t buy this talent argument.  Give me ten billion of someone else’s money, and an afternoon in Labrokes, and the chances are I’d be making millions too.”

“Anyway, any move designed to piss off a banker is absolutely fine by me.”

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