Britain’s leading moron-tamer Simon Cowell was left furious last night after the Pride of Britain committee refused to give him any awards whatsoever.
Cowell, who has strong track record at recent award ceremonies, was disappointed to learn there was not even a special category for leading entertainment star called Simon Cowell.
His agent, Michael Shyster told us, “Sure, it might make good TV to have a load of 90 year-olds get an award for flying planes over sixty years ago, but it was sixty years ago. Let it go man.”
“I ask you this, how many British pop mannequinns have they manufactured in the last ten years? Hmm? Tell me that.”
“Is defusing a bomb in a war zone really all that impressive? I’ve seen it done in the movies loads of times. But getting someone like Will Young a number one album, now that’s the sort of achievement everyone in Britain should be proud of.”
“We’re not saying Simon Cowell should win every award there is. Just those with the word Britain in them. Or televion. Or Media. Or anything on the television.”
Pride of Britain
Cowell was magnanimous after the awards offering his congratulations to winners such a 12 year-old young fundraiser of the year, Cameron Small.
He said, “Sure, raising money for charity is pretty good I suppose. But I could raise more than he did just by writing a a check right now. I could do it. Easily – I’m very rich you know.”
“But then you’d only be giving me an award because you had to. I want you to give me an award because you really want to.”
“If there is an award next year for fundraiser of the year aged between 51 and 52, let me know, because I’d definitely be interested.”