Tuesday 9 November 2010

Commuting still more acceptable than cancer, insists Department of Transport


As a report showed that train over-crowding is set to reach unacceptable levels by 2014, the Department of Transport said they’ve been left with no choice but to redefine the word acceptable.

The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) said the Department for Transport’s own plans suggested targets for increasing passenger places would be missed unless someone, somewhere ordered some new carriages.

However, a Department for Transport spokesperson explained, “Carriages cost money, but lowering your expectations regarding acceptable conditions in which to travel, is completely free. I’ll let you have a little think about which one we prefer.”

“For example, we would argue that getting you to your destination alive is more than acceptable. Would you not agree?”

“So what if you spent the entire journey with your face pressed into the armpit of a man with an obvious allergy to deoderant.  You live to fight another day. This is a cause for celebration – not an excuse to fill in a 28 part complaint form.”

“Under the old definition, sure, that might have been unacceptable, but not in the brave new world of ridiculously low standards.”

Acceptable train conditions

The Department of Transport have invested in a nation-wide advertising campaign designed to make everyone feel like an hour on a packed train that arrives late and earns you a reprimand from your boss, isn’t that bad after all.

Project Manager Shane Williams explained, “We’re placing the ad on billboards outside stations across the country.  They have white background, with big black words saying ‘Trains – not as bad as cancer’.”

“We will be undertaking a new survey after Christmas, and we are confident that it will show passengers suddenly find train travel completely acceptable.”

“If that doesn’t work, we’ll move onto phase two of the advertising campaign, ‘Trains – hardly ever killing anyone’, and ‘Trains – not as overpriced as Alton Towers’.”

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