Tuesday 9 November 2010 By Gary Stanton

Cannabis detection cards make excellent roaches, claims entire Dutch population


Marijuana-scented scratch cards intended to help Dutch citizens uncover illegal dope plantations, also make fantastic roach material, claimed just about everybody in the Netherlands last night.

Authorities in Rotterdam and The Hague say they are distributing the cards to help the few individuals in Holland not already stoned to identify the drug and report its location to a half-interested police officer who is trying to remember where the nearest twenty four hour garage is.

The scratch cards, which measure 20 cm by 10 cm, are made of the same type of card as used in cigarette packets, and contain enough card to finish off eight joints without burning your fingers.

Rotterdam resident Rolf Van Der Kirkhof claims to have used the card to great effect with his neighbour’s sixty or so illegal plants, which he claims have proved more effective than morphine for relieving his chronic back pain.

Van Der Kirkhof said, “I don’t know much about the legal side of it but it turns out that my neighbour is also a massive Bob Marley fan. We’re just going to finish smoking this pipe and chill for a bit before I decide whether to report him.”

Marijuana cards

Head of the initiative, Arnie Loos, has urged citizens to use the phone number on each card to alert the authorities, assuming they haven’t carefully shredded the thing to make a gigantic Camberwell Carrot.

Loos said, “Numbers are funny things aren’t they? You got minus ones and plus ones. And some that go all the way up to infinity. But what is infinity really like, man? Do you think we can go there if we build a fast enough rocket?”

“Hey – is anybody else really really hungry?”

If the scheme proves successful, authorities in Amsterdam will attempt to round up the city’s illegal sex workers by distributing a further series of scratch cards smelling of three week old haddock.

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