Five out-of-contract bishops are to join the Roman Catholic Church under the Bosman free transfer ruling, after being given assurances that Catholicism is committed to challenging for the top honours in the highly-competitive world of modern religion.
The move involves three out-of-contract bishops and two who will be coming out of retirement for one last shot at the religious big time.
A Vatican spokesperson explained that the Catholic Church will always look to sign the most talented Anglicans in order to secure its position as the number one religion in the world.
One of the new signings, the Bishop of Ebbsfleet said, “Catholicism is something of a sleeping giant, often seen as living off former glories, and with a few decades spent in the theological wilderness.”
“But we’ve been given strong assurances from the board that we will be competing at the very top, which is where any self-respecting theologian wants to be.”
“I’ve not come here to pootle along in mid-table obscurity, I’ve come here to win things. If Catholicism is not the best religion in the world within five seasons, I will have failed.”
Catholic Anglican Transfers
Critics of the move have suggested the church is merely offering one last pay day to fading stars who will do little improve the performance of the Catholic Church.
As life-long Catholic supporter Terrence O’Neill told us, “I’m sure the Bishop of Fulham, the Right Reverend John Broadhurst, is a lovely fellow, but I fail to see how he will help the Catholic Church move onto the next level.”
“We should be scouring the world looking for the best young talent capable of making us a force for years to come, not some short term stop-gap looking for one last pay day whilst we try to fend off the challenge of Islam.”
The press have been told that the Pope will take photos with his new signings outside St Peters basilica before the next mass on Sunday, and that Cassocks bearing the names of the new signings are already available in the Vatican gift shop.