Thursday 4 November 2010 By Gary Stanton

Bionic eye chip treatment to be denied to excessive masturbators


Incredible new technology set to revolutionise the way blind people do business is to be denied to people who have lost their sight as a result of spending far too much time pleasuring themselves.

A silicon chip which sits behind the retina and is soldered on to the optic nerve promises to restore the sight of millions of people who suffer from a degenerative condition known as retinitis pigmentosa – a congenital defect linked by parents and theologians everywhere to an unhealthy addiction to hand to gland combat.

However, doctors are keen to draw a distinction between those who have lost their sight through no fault of their own and those who ignored the pleas of their Victorian forefathers not to self-pollute.

Martin Jansen, of the Royal College of Eye Surgeons, said, “In the same way that you wouldn’t give a second liver to an alcoholic – unless they had some kind of special footballing talent – neither would you want to restore the sight of a person who, the instant they can make out a car number plate, takes out a broadband subscription and gives their credit card details to a website called ‘Two sluts, one cup’.”

Bionic Eye

To-date, the most successful recipient of the new technology is RP victim Miikka Terho.

Terho was given a series of test objects and tried to identify them using the chip plus a substantial amount of squinting and a not inconsiderable amount of guesswork.

He correctly spotted familiar household objects such as a plate and a knife and fork, but failed to identify a composite image of the wife of eighties magician Paul Daniels in bondage gear being penetrated by an Alsatian, which scientists knocked up in three minutes using Photoshop Pro.

Following a software upgrade to the chip which has improved resolution, Terho was able to guess “Davina McCall” and “Labrador”, both of which would be classed as “hits” by all but the most mean-spirited of researchers.

Last night, habitual masturbators claimed the surgeons’ approach was discriminatory and would lead to a two-tier system in which the wholesome are given preferential treatment over individuals who regularly abandon themselves in impure thoughts put there by Satan.

Terho, meanwhile continues to make excellent progress and was last seen entering his bedroom carrying a laptop and a large bottle of hand lotion.

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