Thursday 4 November 2010 By Stewart Taylor

Al-Qaeda leadership facing vote of no-confidence


Reports from the Middle East are suggesting that the Al-Qaeda leadership is facing a vote of no-confidence following growing concern about the lack of terror being instilled in countries around the world.

Following their latest bungled attempt to increase the queues for holidaymakers and photocopier suppliers in the West, Al Qaeda members have begun voicing concerns that the organisation is not adhering to its mission statement.

Long time supporter Amir Akhbar told reporters via betamax video message, “By its very definition it is the duty of a terrorist organisation to inflict terror on a large section of the population who believe everything they read in the Daily Mail.”

“We are in danger of losing credibility because of the sheer ineptitude of our recent attempts at terror, and these failings come from the very top, where the management have clearly lost the plot.”

“Printer cartridges, Really? I honestly thought it was a joke when they suggested it.”

Al Qaeda failures

Mr Akhbar conceded that a man with a firecracker in his shoe, a guy setting his underpants on fire and two blokes who succeeded only in getting beaten up by a baggage handler at Glasgow Airport have put the organisation at risk of becoming a laughing stock.

He continued, “September 11th gave the boss a few years grace, obviously – but how long should that grace period be? Three years? Five? It is nearly ten years since then and he’s not done anything even remotely terrifying in all that time.”

“We need a proper leader, someone who could come in here and shake things up a bit, someone not afraid of making the tough decisions.  Someone like Lord Sugar.”

“I mentioned his name at the last Al Qaeda AGM, but unfortunately a few of the audience had tried the Amstrad Emailer – someone said we should be embarrassed to be run by someone who created that piece of shit – and that came from a man who lives in cave and craps in a hole.”

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