Tuesday 2 November 2010 By Gary Stanton

I think my printer is a terrorist, claim office workers


After a warning from Home Secretary Theresa May last night, office workers around the country have insisted that the temperamental printer in the corner of the office is almost certainly a terrorist.

May announced an immediate ban on carrying ink cartridges in your hand luggage, causing inconvenience to literally millions of passengers who enjoy packing their carry on luggage with various ink receptacles.

Senior terror analysts insisted today that, given the lax security before the new measures there is no way of telling how many potentially lethal printers have slipped through the net and have taken up residence in UK office space.

In light of this, workers have been asked to report any suspicious printers leading to a jammed hotline this morning.

A security services spokesperson told us, “Since 8am this morning we’ve received reports of five million suspicious office printers not performing as they should, with most callers expressing an interest in having them destroyed in some sort of controlled explosion.”

“I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard ‘I just want it to print this fucking report in portrait mode, is that so fucking hard? It’s obviously under Al Qaeda control, blow it up, please’.'”

Bosses, meanwhile, have been advised to check whether the business they are running is, in fact, a synagogue.

Ink Cartridge Ban

As an additional measure, the government will usher in a new protocol regarding paper jams that doesn’t involve you screaming at the printer and repeatedly beating it until your fists bleed.

New guidelines will suggest that you get someone disposable from the helpdesk to remove the tray slowly before running away very, very slowly.

MI6, however, believe the terrorists have also developed a photocopier bomb and have warned against drunken attempts to photocopy your arse at this year’s office Christmas party.

Head of MI6, Sir John Sawers, said “We realise arse-photocopying is a staple part of British culture, and not doing it could be seen as giving victory to the terrorists.”

“But at least you’ll be able to enjoy your Christmas dinner with your genitals intact.”

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