Monday 1 November 2010

Middle classes rush to book crack-tasting holidays


After news that alcohol is more dangerous than crack and heroin, middle-class couples have already begun researching the perfect place for a short crack-tasting getaway.

Professor David Nutt claimed that alcohol is the most dangerous drug when it comes to the overall impact on society, insisting we would all be better off dumping that glass of chardonnay and sucking on a crack pipe.

James Williams, 34, told us, “We had planned two weeks in the Stellenbosch region of South Africa, as we heard that their Sauvignon Blancs are simply sublime – but this changes everything.”

“I’ve already got myself a couple of brochures for hotels in downtown Bogota, which I’m told is the place to score some primo crack.”

“Once we get there we’ll be visiting a few of the highest rated crack-dens in the world.  The chaps at the club will be absolutely green with envy.”

Heroin and crack

The rush to secure bragging rights by being the first resident of the home counties to enjoy a short break at a leading heroin farm has already begun.

Miriam Davidson, 42, told us, “Our flights to Afghanistan are already booked, but as far as the accommodation is concerned I think we’ll just wing it when we get there.”

“We’ve been told to look for the poppy fields, that’s the best place to find fresh heroin, apparently. You can tell it’s fresh by the way it makes your eyeballs roll back into your head – I’ve been reading up on it.”

“If all goes well we’ll probably order a couple of cases and throw a tremendous heroin dinner party for the jealous neighbours.”

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