Thursday 28 October 2010 By Spacey

Just kill yourself, urge scientists


Scientists who compiled the Red List of Threatened Species have revealed that the only way to avoid an increasing number of species facing extinction is for every man, woman and child to kill themselves.

“Yup, it’s pretty straight forward,” said Professor Edward Wilson of Harvard University, “The only way this planet will survive is if we all kill ourselves to death.”

“We’ve set up a suicide helpline that will advise people on the most efficient way of topping themselves, and the programme starts immediately.”

The UK population have spoken at their disappointment at the findings, but have resigned themselves to the fact that they have little choice, with some describing  the news as “a bit inconvenient”.

“It would have been nice if it could’ve waited until after Christmas,” said a slightly miffed Miriam Brown from Cheltenham.

“I’ve already started buying presents and we were going to try goose this year instead of turkey, which I was kind of looking forward to. Plus Eastenders is going be in HD.”

“I suppose it’ll be too late to get a refund on that Spa day we got for Brian’s sister?”

Threatened Species

The coalition government have described the mass suicide of the Earth’s entire population as “unfortunate” but have promised that they are committed to ensuring it is done as fairly as possible.

Prime minister David Cameron insisted “This government is committed to saying the word ‘fair’ almost immediately after saying the word ‘difficult’ and as such I would like to reassure everyone that the decision to determine the order and method that people use to kill themselves will be difficult, but fair.”

“We haven’t finalised the full details yet, but I would suggest that those of you on benefits fetch yourselves a bottle of bleach and a straw.”

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