Thursday 28 October 2010 By Gary Stanton

Dream recording machine will definitely have playback function, scientists tell men


Scientists in the US have reassured men everywhere that their dream recording device will definitely have a playback feature so that you can repeatedly watch that bit where the wife’s sister walks in and finishes you off.

The machine, known as the ‘Sleepgasm 3000’, is intended to be worn as a helmet and will allow users to build up a comprehensive library of highly-personalised wank fantasies, including the really good ones you feel vaguely uncomfortable about, all in a handy Youtube-friendly format.

Lead researcher, Dr Moran Cerf, took time out to explain how they developed the new machine.

“We asked a group of single men in their late thirties to think of a variety of subjects and were then able to correlate these with the firing of individual neurons within the brain.”

“By observing the behaviour of specific cells we could tell whether men were thinking about cars, football or that scene in ‘Wild Things’ where Denise Richards and Neve Campbell get it on in the pool – except this time you’re drifting past on a lilo with a pint in your hand.”

Dream Recording Device

Scientists hope the device will have specific applications in the fields of psychoanalysis where it could unlock the power of the subconscious mind to come up with totally mind-blowing masturbation scenarios far in advance of stuff freely available on internet.

However researchers have suggested men practise a ‘safe’ dream that doesn’t involve monkey sex with the wife’s sister, because women will inevitably try and slip the device on whilst you are sleeping.

Dr Cerf said, “I would suggest practising a dream where you’re sat watching her attach a dream capture machine to your head.  I’m pretty sure that will freak her out when she sees it.”

The Sleepgasm 3000 is currently undergoing beta testing but researchers are optimistic that a basic version may hit the shops in time for Christmas.

Dave Norton, of Epping Forest, had planned to visit his seriously ill father in Australia but an advance order for the device has left him out of pocket to the tune of eight hundred quid.

“I think we’ll just have a quiet one spent at home, just Denise and I –  watch a bit of telly and catch up on some much needed sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.”

“The thing about Dad is that he’s a fighter.”

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