Tuesday 26 October 2010

Schools to introduce contraceptive gel ‘sheep dips’


Schools across the country have suggested the best way to stop students getting pregnant is to walk them through a large vat of the new contraceptive gel every morning before classes begin.

The new gel can be rubbed into the arms or legs – or even waded through – in order to prevent pregnancy among teenagers who still don’t seem to understand how human reproduction works.

One education department insider told us, “Communal dips have worked with sheep for years now, so why not hormone-ravaged female teenagers?”

“We’ve tried education, we’ve tried giving away contraceptives, we’ve even shown them the hideous effects STDs, and yet still they’re procreating like particularly horny Big Brother contestants who’ve been told the cameras are going off for fifteen minutes.”

“Sterilisation has the faint whiff of ‘Mengele’ about it, so this is really the next best thing.”

Contraceptive Gel

There are already concerns about how you can make a series of 14 to 16 year-old image-conscious schoolgirls willingly walk through a vat of gel before their first class of the day.

“Ah, we’ve thought about that.  We’ll just tell them it’s a new moisturiser to help keep their skin spot free, or that Cheryl Cole absolutely swears by it, and then I’m sure they’ll dive in head first.”

“Plus it won’t cost any more in wages as we’ve already got a long list of volunteers willing to oversee the process, ranging from Mr Walker the Geography teacher to Trev who collects the trolleys at Asda.”

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